Breaking News: Ohio Driver Dominated By Goose

OHIO (May 6, 2016)

Ohio commuters witnessed a lone Canada Goose alpha a human driver Friday morning.  The domination occurred during the morning work commute rush hour, on a busy side street near a local pastry shop.  The driver, who asked us to maintain her anonymity, came to a complete stop as the goose slowly waddled across the thoroughfare.  Traffic was backed up for approximately 3 minutes until the plump, juicy bird reached the southern curb.

Initial estimates place the opportunity cost of the delay at $850, mostly due to an overpaid Project Manager who missed a morning staff meeting.  This doesn’t however, account for the emotional toll inflicted upon the hapless drivers.

Editorial input:  There is no reason to stop or even slow down for a Canada Goose in the roadways.  I always continue on as if the beast weren’t even there and invariably, the winged rodents hop out of the oncoming half ton of human ingenuity and awesomeness, honking their disapproval.  Don’t get alpha’d by geese, people.  Just don’t.


Side note:  Presently we are in the midst of the Canada Goose family building season.  I would never harm an infant goose.  They need time to grow to fullness to maximize their caloric value.

“…sunlight –> grass –> baby geese –> full grown goose –> my belly…”

So basically eating geese is solar powered and green and low carbon footprint.

Note:  The above quote has grammatical errors.  – J.E. Grammar


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